Last July (2015) my husband, Tyler, and I decided it was a good idea for me to go off of birth control and give our family planning up to the Lord. I chuckle now at my foolishness, because I had no intention in that moment of giving my plans up to God. In the back of my mind I was really thinking that we were going to actively start trying. So I started keeping track of things… You know what I’m talking about… I downloaded a handy little app where I could log EVERYTHING. I hid it from Tyler for quite some time and, of course, he found out that I was tracking and we had to have a little chat and re-evaluate our “plans”.
Things got messy. I was desperate to have a baby. I kept seeing friends on facebook announce their pregnancies, and anytime I was out in public there always seemed to be a pregnant woman to rub in the fact that I was not. I made the mistake of telling people, who continually brought it up when we were together, which was another constant reminder each month that we were unsuccessful at getting pregnant. It began to consume me. I worried about it every day. I read too much on the internet and worried some more. Month after month I would ride the emotional roller coaster, getting my hopes up only to have them crushed when aunt flow arrived again. I foolishly directed my selfish anger towards God and decided that he was punishing me for sins in my past.
After months of trying I gave up and decided that having children of our own was not an option anymore and we were going to have to adopt. Whew! A little dramatic, don’t you think?! While I love the blessing of adoption, having two adopted siblings of my own and hoping to adopt in the future, in that moment of defeat it was tainted in my mind with being the “last resort”. I was mad that I might not be able to experience what pregnancy was like.
Little did I know that that whole time God was working on my heart. He was changing my perspective of children and really making me think about WHY I wanted to have them. Was it because everyone else was? Because we had the house and the dog and that was the next step? Was it because I simply wanted to experience pregnancy? God knew my desires and plans needed to be broken before I would be ready to have a child. He used those 7 months of emotional turmoil to reshape my heart, and he’s still slowly molding me.
Now, 28 weeks pregnant with our little blessing, I can look back at those seven months (not that long in the grand scheme of things, but to me it felt like FOREVER!) with appreciation and thanksgiving to God. God revealed to me in those months that our children are not in fact ours. They are the Lords and we are stewards of their little souls. We simply get the privilege to raise them for 18 years, doing our best to train them up in the Lord. Praying for them daily to seek the Lord and honor Him with their lives.
In those seven short months I was reminded again that my plans usually aren’t what God has planned for me. And while in the moment I’m frustrated and angry, in the end I know it is what’s the absolute best for me, and I can go through it with joy and thanksgiving in my heart, all the while praising Him.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.” – Proverbs 19:21